dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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