yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
IT TOOK ME LIKE AN HOUR TO DO THAT. DO YOU KNOW HOW HARD IT IS FOR ME TO CONCENTRATE ON ONE THING FOR AN ENTIRE HOUR?!
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