Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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