Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Is Oprah even human
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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