You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Randomize
