you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
