Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
my nick name has gotton too long over the years..C.T.P.S.G.F.P.G.......cock tease private school groupie frat party groupie.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
