he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
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