my phone needs a breathalizer
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
Randomize
