i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
