Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
