your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
