So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
The guy asked if i had a problem w/set schedules
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
