I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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