You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
