apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
