i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Ok, stop saying "youths." You're 23.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
