Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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