i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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