i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
