Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
