she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
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