Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
He's practically not my boyfriend anymore. So let's go get some glitter, balloons, alcohol and forget this night ever happened.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
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