I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
