In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
farters have to be the big spoon...
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Black out Jordan is making huge strides. I didn't even pee on anyone or anything last night.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
