god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
Theyll love you, its bunch of older ladies who drink whisky and sours and talk about the sex seans in Game of Throwns
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Randomize
