I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Non-Jews are for practice
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I kind of feel like guidos are mythical creatures.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
