i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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