in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
