Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
