did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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