Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Randomize
