She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
Randomize
