Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
Checked my photo vault today... My self nudie folder is passing the 150 mark.
The weird thing is that you don't send them to anyone. You just keep them for yourself...
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
