I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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