Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Exactly how low is masturbating to your cute professor's lecture videos?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
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