I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
I'm passing your future prison.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
So, what my linguistics project should really be called is "I happen to sleep/makeout with a lot of bilinguals and am now using them to help me graduate"
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
Randomize
