Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Need sex. Gaining weight.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
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