This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
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We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
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Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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