the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I wish there were birth control emojis
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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