nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
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