i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
