After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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