through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
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im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
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Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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