just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
VITAMINS IN VODKA. IM NOT LYING.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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