Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
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