I haven't been this sober since birth.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Drunk is a universal language darling
Randomize
