Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___
saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
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