if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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