I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
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facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
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She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
Randomize