I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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