she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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