i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
