thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
